Ahhhhhh Yes, The Dreaded Valentine's Day Post

As most of you know, I am not a big fan of Valentine’s Day, and that doesn’t change if I am in a relationship. On the one hand, I think it’s pretty gross how much corporations have turned something very pure (love) into profitable cards, chocolates, roses, etc. I also think that it’s a day that can make singles feel not so great about themselves, and it’s also a time where people in relationships often have big expectations. I’m about to make a really nerdy analogy to voting so get ready. Most people in the US vote for the presidential elections sometimes the state ones too, but after that they think that their civic duty is done and that they are excused from everything else aka petitions, protests, dialogue, etc. That kind of mentality is, I believe, why our democracy isn’t so much of a democracy anymore. Same goes for Valentine’s Day. I think some people that are stuck in bad relationships expect that flowers and chocolates and a nice dinner out will make up for all the other things that have gone wrong. And likewise, some people feel that if they express their love in a very material way on this day then they are excused from not doing it any other day of the year. So I guess that’s why I’ve never been a big fan of the holiday.

This is the first time in two years that I’ve been single on this day, and the second time in two years that I have been abroad. Again, as most of you know, I just got out of a pretty significant relationship, and so this day in particular is a bit hard for me. I would like to write about how great I am, and what a wonderful and challenging time I am having here in India. But that would be lying, and the whole point of coming here is to be honest with myself.

I feel like after you get out a serious relationship, there is a great emptiness that you carry. Some people try and fill that void with friends, chocolate, trips, work, exercise, etc. And I have probably tried all of those, but I think something that I’ve been learning is that that emptiness cannot be filled. It’s always going to be there until you fall in love again, and part of growing stronger and moving forward is learning how to make peace with that void. Accepting it and acknowledging it, but not letting it define you. 

In a similar vein, I believe that it’s also very important to accept yourself and your feelings. We spend so much time trying to be big and tough and all “yeah whatever, I’m better off without him, and I’m just going to have a great time being single and hooking up with lots of different guys, and I never really cared about him anyways.” To a certain extent, I’ve also had this mentality. But again, I guess it’s better to just be honest with myself. Do I miss this guy? Yes. Do I still love him? Yes. Will I probably always love him? Yes, because I have this nasty habit of always loving people.

Growing up in a family full of factions and fights, I think that I have really learned how to love people even when they are annoying me 90% of the time. And I think this ability to love people despite their flaws and this stubborn hold that I end up having on others is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. My refusal to give up on people and stick by them has caused me to stay in horrible relationships and friendships, but I also think my ability to love through thick and thin has made me who I am and given me so much perspective.

So I guess the whole point of these Valentine’s Day ramblings is just to say that yes, I am having a hard time an ocean away, yes I feel a bit empty, and yes I will always love this guy, but that is just fine with me. Because love is a great great thing, and the fact that I had such a deep love at such a young age is also an incredible thing. But feeling this way does not mean that my life is at a standstill; I’m still moving forward even with the void. I mean, I am going to see the Taj Mahal at sunrise tomorrow with Kels!!

A Few Thoughts

When I started out on this journey, I wanted to prove to myself that I could travel alone, and that I could do it in a hard place like India. Because I had such a hard time when I studied abroad, I guess I felt like I needed to show myself that I could do it, and that that experience was not the be all end all. But now that I've done it for a couple of weeks, I'm definitely over it. I think it's great and all, and you really get to know yourself, but I'm ready for friends!! It's like okay, yeah, I did it, and now I'm probably not ever going to do it again.

I also have noticed that being here has really made me appreciate Uganda and Rwanda; it's confirmed that Africa, particularly the east and central regions, is the area of the world that I want to study. As colorful and culturally rich as India is, I can honestly say that I prefer the parts of Africa I've seen. To me, India is like all the bad parts of Africa on steroids--dirty, overpopulated, sketchy men, and beggars everywhere. But to be fair, I've only been here for two weeks in two places while in Africa, I had a homestay family and I was there for four months. So obviously my Uganda and Rwanda experience was designed to be a lot more fulfilling. And for those of you who I studied abroad with, I'm sure that me saying that I miss Kampala and Kigali and even Gulu is HILARIOUS. But I do think being here has really put into perspective how great abroad was for me. Right now I would kill to be sitting in Cafe Larem eating a brownie with ice cream, avoiding working on my ISP, and already planning out dinner with my room mates.

Another big NERDY realization that I've had here is, again, just how much I love research. The other day after walking around Varanasi, I came back to my hotel, sat down with my computer, and thought to myself, ahhhh I wish I had a paper to write and interviews to hold. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, though. I do. How ridiculous is that? That I absolutely love reading through stacks of papers like this:

What makes me nervous, though, is that I've already heard back from three graduate schools, UCLA, UCSD, and Wisconsin. All rejections. I'm trying to not to think about them, but I am honestly freaking out. I know from the get go, I said that there is a very big chance that I won't get in anywhere and, although I said it a lot, in my heart of hearts I was like noooooooooo, I have to get in somewhere.

Anyways, today I am getting on an overnight train at 4:45 and heading to Agra to meet the Kels tomorrow!! My fingers are crossed that her driver that we arranged is actually there and that everything goes as planned.

The Ghats at Night

I have discovered the greatest pizza place in the world. For the past three nights, I have walked 25 minutes down to the last ghat on the river to eat here. I know, I know. Many of you are probably shaking your heads because I am not taking advantage of the Indian food. But it's very expensive to get when you are on your own. You have to order the dish, the rice, and the naan. That's why too much food for one person, and it's quite pricey. So not to worry, I'll be eating much much more chicken tikka marsala when Kels comes.

Anyways, I have now taken this walk by the river six times (if you're counting each way), and just today I noticed that some time between 5 and 8 all the women completely disappear. During the day if you walk along the Ganges, you see tons of people washing, selling things, overcharging white tourists, bathing, and just hanging out, but after dark there are young boys playing cricket, old men just chilling, and guys my age checking out the mzungus (I know this is a Ugandan term, but I have just come to think of every white traveler as a mzungu regardless of what country I am in). It's very strange. It's like the women aren't allowed to play. They have to go home, cook, and clean. Quite sad, really.

I guess Pru (one of my Professors at Hamilton) was right when she said being born a woman in America is like winning the lottery.

Lazy Days by the Ganges

I've spent the past couple of days exploring and eating with my new friend Anna from Norway. It's been pretty great just hanging out by the river and taking long walks through old Varanasi. She left today, which was a bit sad, but she's headed to Vietnam in late March/early April so there is definitely a possibility that we will see each other again. So for the next 4 days, it's back to flying solo. But Varanasi, unlike Delhi, is not too awful of a place to be alone. I actually am really loving my days here. 

This is a pretty good example of how narrow the streets are.  You're walking along being jostled by everyone and boom there's a cow, or a motorcycle behind you, or even worse a funeral procession and a dead body. All three have happened to me in a day.

These are some of the shops that are along the roads. AHHHHHHH!! And every time I walk through, I always leave wanting a saree so badly.

Varanasi at sunset.

This is one of the burning ghats. Varanasi is the city where Hindus come to die and have their ashes spread in the Ganges.  It's very cool, I think, to live next to death. It's like people here have really normalized death rather than sort of try and bury it away.

A short rant on cows. I now think of them as spoiled children. They just sit in the middle of the road, eating whatever they find, and pooping wherever they want. No one makes them do anything, and they just walk around like they own the place. And no one can eat them!! That means no burgers, which I am definitely craving!!!

New friends.

These two kids were SO cute. We met them on our walk to dinner, and they begged us to take a picture of them climbing around!

Australians, Norwegians, and Sunrise Boat Rides

Lets just say that I am IN LOVE with Varanasi. My hotel/hostel is incredible (that's room in the above pictures). It doubles as a nonprofit that is focused on intra-cultural dialogue, and so far I have had many interesting political discussions with many many different people, all of whom seem to want to lecture me about what a bad president Bush was. DUH. YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR. Seriously though.

At breakfast, I met three Australians girls who were amazing. I spent the day with them wandering through the streets (very loosely used here) with them, which are no narrow that only two people can walk side-by-side comfortable, and all along the way there are shops selling food, sarees, silk, and statues. After about half an hour, I gave up trying to find my way around, which stinks because there were several places that I would like to go back to.

After about two hours of wandering, we stumbled across the best lassis in all of India. I'm not kidding. I had orange strawberry, and while we drank them we watched several funeral processions and bodies pass by on the way to the ghats. Varanasi is the city where Hindus come to die; men are wrapped in red and gold, women in orange and gold, and children in white and gold. Pregnant women and children under the age of five are not allowed to be burned; instead they are weighted down with rocks and put in the river.

It didn't really bother me, seeing all of the bodies. I actually thought it was kind of a good thing--to acknowledge death rather than to avoid it, to live with it everyday. I don't know. It was really really interesting.

Later that day, the girls left and I was VERY sad to see them go, but I quickly met another Norwegian girl, who is taking a gap year. We decided to go to the night ceremony, but I'm not sure either of us really understood what was going on.

The next morning we got up at 5:30, and took a boat ride at sunrise. It was BEAUTIFUL.

Our boat rower.

These are the burning ghats where they take the bodies.

More of the ghats.

On the sandbanks, opposite the ghats.

Possibly my favorite picture from the morning.

I have about three more full days here before I head over to Agra to see the Taj Mahal and Kelsey!! I am so unbelievably excited!

Reactions to Change

So before I left, I spent a lot of time talking about how important it is to do the things that scare you. Well for me, today was one of those days, and I’m no longer sure how important I think it is to have such an experience. Last night, I had a train leaving from Old Delhi Station at 9:50 pm, arriving in Varanasi at 3:00 pm.  As soon as I get to the train platforms, I am a mess, because it is a mess. Every which way, people are trying to steer you away, make you pay for carrying your luggage, or take you to the “tourist office.” Luckily, I met a nice German man who was just about as lost as I was and, in walking next to him, I definitely felt less harassed. 

As soon as I found my bunk, I felt relieved. False. Bad decisions. My little curtained off section of four beds contained only men. Nervously, I climbed to the top and told myself that not all Indian men are scary. Then one put a sheet over me in a really creepy way, touching my butt a lot. Urgh. Whatever. I slept fitfully to say the least, but when I woke up, I realized that they were all gone. Again, I was a bit too relieved too soon. I moved down to the lower bed with the windows so that I could see the train stations. Then a man comes in and sits across from me. He asks for American money, to listen to my music, and to read my book before he starts pressuring me to stay at his house in Varanasi. His next question was about whether or not I was married. I told him yes, but he kept pushing so much so that I left and hid in an empty section for the rest of the ride.

I finally get to Varanasi and make my way to the hostel, which is SO nice. Literally a 100% difference!! It’s so clean and nice, there is running water, the rooms are beautiful, it has a rooftop café, and the woman who checked me in was so nice. Still, however, I had a bit of a meltdown when I first got to my room. I had one of those deep rushes of homesickness, like the kind I had pretty daily in Uganda and Rwanda. It’s this feeling that you can’t shake no matter what you do.

I think I get these feelings when things change in my routine, environment, and life, etc. even if they change for the better. I have no idea why I have such a gut-wrenching negative reaction to change (well that’s not true, I do have my theories), but I do. And when I do, I just completely lose perspective of time. One hour feels like months, and the thought of having to be anywhere so far from home for months is unbearable to me. But I guess that this is the very feeling I came to tackle and to understand. Let’s be honest, I can’t completely change who I am; I will probably always have some negative reaction to change. But I think I can make myself do things that are scary, that give me that feeling to prove to myself that everything will be okay in the end. That those feelings pass and that they don’t have to take over daily life. I think that’s ultimately what I want to achieve while being here—putting things/changes into perspective, accepting that ultimately I am who I am, and learning to move forward even when I’m so scared that I’m nauseous.

On a less serious note, I had my first third world poop today. BRUTAL. My stomach is not going to be please with my choices for the next two months.

Varanasi-Bound

Yesterday I realized just how uncomfortable I feel here as a young girl traveling alone. After planning out a trip to Rajasthan to see tigers and Jaipur, I went to buy a ticket to see a Bollywood movie, Agneepath, but there weren’t any shows until 7:30 pm so I decided to spend the rest of the day exploring South Delhi. At first, I was listening to some great tunes on my ipod and walking around with some pep in my step, but as it got darker and darker, I felt myself getting more and more uncomfortable. I was in a park with a bunch of families watching the sun set when I noticed that as the families were leaving young men were coming to the park. A couple of them just stood in front of me and stared for a good half an hour. Once I saw the last family leave, I left too, hurrying back to the theater. I waited outside, reading for another half an hour and again got harassed by some more young men. I even left the movie early at 10 pm to get home on the metro, which has a lovely ladies only car, so that I wouldn’t have to take a taxi with a man home.

Now all of this is coming from the girl who will take the New York subway home alone at 3 in the morning, walk to her apartment in DC alone after a night out, meet up with people in Gulu after dark without a male escort, and not freak out when a Ugandan man chases her down the streets in Kampala. This is the girl who does not get scared being alone out and about at night in cities, and even when she does get uncomfortable, she usually just dismisses it.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m alone without any fellow travelers or adults (even though technically I am one) or if India is just a bit different. I feel like men here are incredibly aggressive, and there seems to be A LOT of sexual tension here. It’s like when they stare, you literally feel them undressing you. Like, yesterday, I was waiting for a metro with one woman and five men and all of them just stared and inched closer for the ten minutes we had to wait. Believe me, I want to be understanding. I want to just dismiss it as the fact that I’m not only white but ghostly pale and I have red hair, but it’s really really bothering me. It just feels like there is a lack of respect, that I am a thing to be stared at not a person. It’s one thing if they stare because they are surprised to see such a white person versus checking me out, and I definitely feel like I can tell the difference. AHHHHHHH! It just makes me so mad!!

In other news, the Bollywood movie was great! I didn’t understand a word of it, because it was all in Hindi, but I am now obsessed.  On one side, I sat next to a big Indian woman on one side who had probably seen the movie multiple times and kept singing along to the songs and, on the other side, I sat beside a man who was eating nachos and every five minutes he would make this really weird spitting noise like he was spitting out all of his chips. Both took over the armrests. 

Oh, and before I forget, what has been really surprising to me is the lack of beggars I have seen here in comparison to Uganda and Rwanda. Only yesterday, did a couple of kids follow me around asking for money. One was an incredibly small girl. At first I refused to give her anything, because I know that they don’t actually get to keep the money, and I obviously don’t want to support that kind of criminal network. But I also didn’t give her the leftover food I had in my bag because I wanted to save it for later. I realized then, if I am going to donate tons of money to UNICEF to help feed kids suffering from famine in Somalia, it would be so contradictory of me not to give this girl my food. So I spent ten minutes trying to find her, and when I finally did, she snatched the food out of my hands so quickly that it surprised me.

Anyways, today I take my first Indian train to Varanasi, which I think is like the oldest continually inhabited city in the world. I’ve heard it’s really really cool and incredibly relaxing, which will be nice after Delhi. All in all, I’m pretty excited to leave here. Then 5 or so days there and then another overnight train to Agra to meet Kels!!!